Untangling grief - Making Room for Relief

Welcome to the next instalment of our ‘untangling grief’ series, where we delve into some of the more uncomfortable feelings that may arise as a result of our grief. These are the ones no one speaks about and perhaps are a little more taboo. This time, we are talking about feeling a sense of relief after someone dies. 

I should start by saying that these feelings won’t apply to everyone - so if this doesn’t sound like you, don’t worry! Your own feelings will be a wonderful concoction of your own experiences and relationships, and the aim of this series is just to identify a handful of these.  

Relief 

We expect to feel relief when we pass a test, or make it on time for the bus, not after we lose a loved one. Feeling a sense of relief can often feel like a misplaced emotion - fooling our brains into thinking that we are glad that our loved one has died. But death, grief and the journey towards that destination are complicated and different for every individual. The feeling of relief often arises when perhaps your parent’s death was expected. Maybe they had a long-term illness, or were suffering for some time. Although a person’s death can be expected, this does not mean it is any less of a surprise. While the anticipation doesn't diminish the shock, a strange sense of release can mingle with the pain. It's as if, despite knowing it's coming, the finality still takes your breath away.

Why am I feeling relieved? 

It is so important to understand that feeling a sense of relief does not mean you wanted your person to die. Sometimes, we do not realise how much stress, anxiety and strain we are carrying in our bodies when someone we love is in pain and suffering. It’s only once they’re free from those earthly struggles that our bodies start to catch up with us. If you have watched your loved one suffer with illness, or perhaps struggle with their mental health, it’s natural that you will have endured high amounts of stress, anxiety and worry as a result. It is a human and emotional response to feel a sense of relief when their suffering has come to an end - even if that is in the form of death. Living with the knowledge that your parent will die is truly emotionally exhausting - and can also be physically exhausting, especially if you are involved in their care. But it is not an emotion to be ashamed of. You are no longer living in that painful anticipation of the end, imagining what it will be like, or how it will go. Your body can begin to let go of that anxiety, and as a result, it is so natural to feel a sense of relief. 

Or perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your loved one, There may have been toxic behaviour, abuse, or unhealthy elements of the relationship. You should still feel no shame in the sense of relief you may feel. In these situations, the body is existing in a constant state of threat, and when your person dies, this threat is removed. The constant emotional tension can trigger the body's fight-or-flight response, and their passing can finally bring a sense of peace. This doesn't negate your love for them, but simply acknowledges how your body is adjusting to a new reality.

Sit with your feelings 

You are not a terrible person for feeling relief after losing your person. This is not a measure of your love for them or a sign you wanted them to die, it simply acknowledges the complexity of grief. Perhaps their passing brought an end to their suffering, and that's a natural source of comfort. Your body and mind are processing a lot right now. Be gentle with yourself. Let your emotions rise and fall - that's completely normal. Don't be afraid to reach out – talk to loved ones, seek support – you don't have to navigate this alone. 

Relief, though surprising, can be a natural part of your grief experience. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings, and don’t be scared of the challenging ones when they arise.