Oliver’s Story

Next month, January 2025 will be five years since my Dad died from alcoholism.

He had struggled with it my whole life.

I don’t see many people talk about this kind of loss. For almost five years I have been trying to navigate it as best I can.

I felt a strong sense of betrayal at the beginning. I did not think losing him the way I did would affect me as much as it has.

The pain can be so intense at times, and the guilt that I felt. Having grown up being in the care of someone who was struggling with addiction and their mental health, the emotions that you feel are very conflicting. I felt anger and compassion at the same time.

I could understand to a certain extent as to why he had lived the way he did. There are only a handful of good memories I have of him, and the rest are too painful. It has made it extremely difficult at times to process my grief.

But I am at a point now almost five years on where I can finally allow myself to feel, and to let my emotions out when they arise. I found myself trying to think my thoughts around grief but found their is only so much thinking about it over and over that someone can do before they’re going in circles in their own mind.

Connecting with my emotions and that almost physical pain in my stomach, and trying not to be so afraid of it is what is helping me. Giving myself compassion and not blaming myself for my dads death has not been easy but I am proud of myself for finding some clarity, in something so simple as to just let myself feel. I almost thought it was impossible in the beginning and tried to rush my way through greif.

I found out soon enough that it just doesn’t work like that. I was 24 when he died. Growing up it was my three grandparents that were more like parents really. Unfortunately my first experience with grief was losing all 3 of them in the same of 11 months back in 2016/2017. Over the years their memory has gotten easier to think about, I think about them fondly, although this time of year (December) does bring up some sadness.

They were always the light. It really does feel like something goes with them from within you when you lose someone you love so much.

I am still learning to find my joy again. I know I am not the same person that I was before my grief, and I will never be the same again. But I do know that finding joy again is possible.