Navigating Grief: dating while grieving
Dating after a loss can feel like you're carrying an invisible weight, like a hidden grenade that could explode at any moment. You might worry about your emotions coming up unexpectedly, leaving you feeling vulnerable and unsure how to explain them. It can also be hard to know how much to share or if you're ready to open up to someone new. This is completely normal. Grief is a complex process, and dating adds another layer to navigate.
Firstly, if you’re getting back on the dating scene after losing a parent, then go you! This is a cause for celebration in itself. It’s not easy to put yourself out there after loss - grief can affect our confidence in all kinds of ways that we do not expect when we lose someone. Grief can also completely change your outlook on relationships and dating, often causing us to reassess what we might look for in a partner. But this is also the beauty of dating, it allows us to get to know ourselves better and what we want from a potential relationship.
When I first started dating again after having lost my dad, any date I went on, I’d feel this overwhelming anxiety when it came to talking about family and home life. I never wanted to lie, but I found it extremely stressful to talk about the reality of my situation. I’d find myself skirting around the facts and alluding to things, rather than being upfront. I wasn’t embarrassed as such, but I feared that if people knew about the big grenade in my pocket (my grief), then they’d run a mile. I also feared that if I mentioned my dad and his death, I would suddenly lose control and maybe I’d cry, or scare them off, or make them feel sorry for me. These fears compiled and I decided it was easier to just not mention the specifics, and be painfully general when it came to my family life.
It also felt like my precious secret to hold on to - once it was out there, it was free and out in the open, and I couldn't have it just for me anymore. I was protective over my story about death. It also gave me the ability to magic up a world where my dad being dead wasn’t the dominating factor in my life. I could create a world away from this, and it became a welcome break from the everyday sadness I was feeling. The problem with this though, is that to build connections - in all kinds of relationships - we need to be vulnerable. I say this with a caveat however, that you do not owe anyone any details about your personal life unless you feel ready and able to share - date or no date. If you decide you’d like to share your grief with a date, then this should be because you want to, and you feel like you’re in a safe and trusted place enough to do so.
I don’t recount this story as a warning, or a ‘what not to do’, because I think everyone needs to navigate this space differently. There is no right or wrong when dating with your grief, but it is important to take things at your own pace.
When it comes to getting to know someone new, especially in a dating capacity, your grief is important, and it is part of you - but it’s definitely not the whole of you. Just like everyone else, you're a complex person with unique experiences, with both joy and sorrow. Dating is about sharing who you are, and that includes your capacity for love, even after loss.
There's no one-size-fits-all approach to sharing your grief. Start slow, share as you feel comfortable, and trust your intuition about timing. The most important thing is to check in with yourself – how are you feeling about the date, and does the conversation naturally lead to opening up? There's no pressure to rush, and ultimately, the right person will want to understand your story.
Rejection is a fact of dating, and it can hurt even more when you've been vulnerable. But remember, it's not a reflection on your worth or your capacity to love. Instead of dwelling on the "why nots," focus on the positive step you took by putting yourself out there. The right person will appreciate your openness and embrace your story, grief and all.
Dating while grieving can feel massively overwhelming, but give yourself some credit. It is a brave act to open yourself up to both vulnerability and potential rejection. Always practise self compassion and have your boundaries in place. Remember, you don’t owe anyone your deepest darkest feelings unless you’re comfortable sharing. It’s okay to keep some of that for yourself. Love and loss can co-exist, and where you can, try and enjoy the process and this new exciting chapter in your life.
