Grief, Graduation, and Falling Behind
For most young people, leaving university and embarking on the next stage of life is a huge cocktail of emotions. There’s excitement at the prospect of moving somewhere new and beginning your first ‘proper’ job, nervousness at leaving the safety of the student bubble, and a general feeling of enthusiasm as the world begins to unfold before you. Realising that you are on the cusp of something new can be elating, and although daunting at times, the world is filled with endless opportunities ready to be embraced and celebrated. But for young people who have lost a parent, this time can leave you feeling a million miles away from those feelings, and as if the world is largely moving on without you.
Losing my dad just after my final year of university meant my plans looked a little different than my friends. In the lead up to graduation, where students are busy finishing off dissertations and applying for grad schemes in the city, I was preparing to go home and help care for my father in his last few months of life. Ending university was not a time of celebration like I had expected. Of course, there were moments of excitement, mainly relief in being able to leave deadlines and compulsory reading behind, but mainly it was fuelled by anxiety and fear. There was no ‘plan’, or intention to get a job, it was just survival. I think this reflects largely the feeling of young grievers when the end of university and graduation rolls around.
Where the expectation is that new-grads flock to the cities to find new jobs and homes, many young people who have lost a parent might instead feel a sense of responsibility to return home and support the parent left behind. As a result, sacrificing their desire to live independently or follow their dreams. In many cases, young grievers might just need some time to recover and take some time out. Whether you lost your parent while at university, or years before, a degree can wear you out emotionally much more than you realise. Although taking some time off is perfectly okay, and can be exactly what you need, it can often make you feel like you’re falling behind while watching your peers soar to success.
I remember many of my friends scoring amazing jobs and getting ready to make exciting moves to new places, and while I was happy for them, I couldn’t help but feel like I was watching it all from a distance, slowly floating backwards while they all moved forwards. I didn’t want to imagine a future where my dad was not alive, yet I was at a stage where your ‘future’ was all people would ask about. Losing a parent young means you are not only grieving your parent, but also the life you thought you would have. On the one hand, you want to fulfil your dreams, and step into the life that’s waiting for you, but on the other hand, that life is one you wish wasn’t real. The world that was once filled with opportunities and exciting prospects, suddenly becomes very scary and very real. You lose that youthful naivety that ‘everything will be alright’, and the thought of carrying on becomes unbearable.
In these times, being kind to yourself is such an important skill to learn. While it’s easy to beat ourselves up about not doing more, or falling behind (or whatever lie your critical self tells you), it can be less easy to reassure and comfort ourselves - even though this is often what we need most. Although it can feel like your peers are taking a million steps forward while perhaps you don’t see yourself doing the same, it’s important to remember that you’re taking steps at your own pace. For me, moving home after university was not what a lot of my friends were doing, and I often felt like this was seen as the easy or ‘safe option’. People would ask me when I was moving out (not in this economy!), as if that was the ultimate goal and I was simply in a temporary state of existing. But in reality, it was exactly what I needed in those years, and that is worth more than any kind of career success or progression in my eyes. Take things one step at a time, and learn to recognise when it’s okay to push yourself, but also when it’s time to slow down. There is no timeline, and there is not an age where you need to have it all figured out - even if the world seems to disagree.
New opportunities, experiences, people and places will always remain, and you are not doing the ‘wrong’ thing by taking your time to get there. Find new ways to embrace this new period of life - whether that is joining a new sports team, taking up a hobby, learning a new skill or simply spending more time with friends and family. Investing in yourself is the best investment you can make. By doing this, you are making progress - even if it doesn't feel like it. Take other people’s opinions out of the equation, and listen to what you need. It’s not easy, but avoid comparison. Your path may look different, but truly it is only just beginning….
