Supporting your partner, despite never meeting their parent

It can be hard to know the best way to support your partner through their grief, especially when you never got to meet their parent. I never met my partner's dad and I do find it hard and I wish I had been able to meet him. There’s so many aspects of my partner's grief that I can’t fully understand because I never met him but it doesn’t mean your support is any less important or meaningful to your partner.

Your support is important, but different.

One thing I’ve been aware of the whole time is that my support is different to those who knew his dad. I can’t talk about memories or what he was like as a person and I can’t relate to things about his dad because I didn’t know him.

However, I offer a different kind of support. It can be easy to feel like you’re not helpful but the support you offer is important.

I think listening is a huge part of supporting someone through grief. There are often no solutions or answers because you can’t bring the person back, and a lot of the time they just want to talk and be heard. And having someone to tell stories to about their person, memories, little quirks they had is so valuable. Listening and giving them space to talk about their person is important support but also it’s a way of you getting to know their parent, which is also so special. 

In my situation, my boyfriends dad was quite ill and he didn’t want me to see him like that. Although I would’ve loved to meet him, I get to know the version of him that my boyfriend loves and remembers.

It is also beneficial for them to have someone to speak to that is outside of the situation. Depending on the circumstances, there is often a lot going on between families and their relationships when a parent dies. It can be helpful to have someone outside of this to talk to. For example, your partner may not want to talk to their remaining parent, friends or siblings because it can be upsetting for them. This is where they need you. 

We all care about our partners, meaning we want to offer the best kind of support. However, this can often lead to doubting your abilities to support them. I think it’s important to remember that these are not helpful thoughts, which is easier said than done, I know, but it is important to not let this impact your relationship and the support you’re giving. It’s okay to ask them what they need from you but remember, if you were doing something wrong they would tell you.

Looking for articles like this really shows you care and that is the most important thing.