University as an escape, struggling to connect and managing the workload

Course of study at university: Geography 

Age: 21

Who was it that you lost? My Dad

What were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them? 

Camping, hiking and being by the ocean. 

Do you have a highlight moment of your university experience so far?

Meeting lots of new friends, especially in my halls which was really sociable. Also, being part of societies has been very fulfilling. 

Do you think that your university experience was impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways? 

When I started university it had been two years since my Dad died so I was fortunate to have some time to process and grieve before leaving home. When I began university, initially I didn’t feel that it affected me until it came around to my Dad’s anniversary. At that time I felt completely disconnected from my friends and didn’t really want to socialise. Most of my friends had nuclear families so I struggled to connect with anyone who had complicated family set ups. Generally, I have found university a good escape, but I go through phases of feeling connected and then misunderstood. 

What do you think was the hardest part of managing student life alongside grief? 

Telling people about the death of my Dad was uncomfortable (especially in Freshers week) and I often felt that no one understood the complexities of losing a parent and that grief continues for years. Sometimes getting my work done was a struggle if I was feeling low, but my university has a good policy in place where you can self certify an extension without evidence. 

Did you find that any of your relationships at university were impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways?

Yes, I struggle to get close to people and to feel understood. 

How did you find managing your workload at university alongside coping with grief? Did you manage to stay on top of things, and did you find anything that helped you to stay on track? 

I am generally quite organised so that helped me stay on top of things and allowed me to take breaks if I was struggling. Also, I used extensions on a few occasions to give me extra time to hand work.

Was there anything in particular that helped you to cope with your grief at university? Either internally or externally to the university?

Connecting with people who have also lost a parent has helped, this has come from outside of university. 

What has your university done well to support you? Is there anything you think they could have done better?

I haven’t particularly reached out for support whilst at university, but having extendable deadlines has been really helpful. I did speak to someone from the wellbeing department and it was a bit of a let down so I haven’t bothered since. I was instructed about how to deal with grief which frustrated me, I would have rather had someone just to listen to me. 

What advice would you give to other students dealing with university life after losing a parent or someone close to them? 

You don’t have to soldier on, you are allowed to go home, be with your family and extend deadlines. But also, when you are feeling good and not submerged in grief, have fun.