Lucy’s Story: Navigating sibling loss

Course of study at university: Press & Editorial Photography

Age: Now 32, at the time of the loss of my brother - 20

Do you have a highlight moment of your university experience?

All the storytelling I got to do on my course - meeting many amazing and inspiring characters. Also, I got to do a work placement at the LA Times.

Who was it that you lost?

My oldest brother, Jonathan

What were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them?

He was a DJ, graphic designer, lover of mountains and walking. He lived in London for most of his life but moved back to Devon just before his cancer diagnosis. He was very protective towards me and very caring. He was also quite serious at times and always wanted the best for me, so would give me lots of advice!

He was a bit of a party animal at times, and enjoyed going to places like Ibiza, where I believe he once spent 400 euros on a round of drinks, supposedly by accident!

Do you think that your university experience was impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways?

Yes - I was always worried that Jonathan might die whilst I was at university, but would often block these thoughts out.

I wanted to be closer to home/family when/if this happened, but I always worried about coming home to learn how much worse his health had become also. After the loss of Jonathan, I felt I wanted to be around my family to support them, and obviously would have liked their support too.

I did think about quitting university after losing Jonathan but knew how proud of me he was with the work I was doing on my course, so kept on going for him more than anything. He became my driving force to finish my degree, as I still had my final year to go, as well as the end of second-year deadlines, which I had an extension on.

I didn’t have anyone I felt I could relate to or talk to. I was offered counselling at university but had never had it before, and it all seemed too soon, I wasn’t ready for it. I wish I had friends at the time who could’ve also related to what I was going through, but none of my friends could understand. I wish I had known about groups like Let’s talk about Loss, and other online grief communities back then, but I don’t think they existed. It was 2012!

What do you think was the hardest part of managing student life alongside grief?

Feeling isolated – there was no one my age that I could talk to and relate to. My friends were still partying and living their lives, whilst I had such a huge life change to deal with. I felt cut off from home and became more homesick.

Did you find that any of your relationships at university were impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways?

Yes - I wasn’t wanting to socialise like I did before after the loss of Jonathan. Up until the loss, I would say I had a fairly normal student experience, except for the worry, but after the loss was a different story.

How did you find managing your workload at university alongside coping with grief? Did you manage to stay on top of things, and did you find anything that helped you to stay on track?

Fortunately, my teachers were very understanding, and I was given extensions with my deadlines which I think I could’ve extended further if needed. They did occasionally check in with me, though not that much.

As previously mentioned, especially with the second-year deadlines, I used Jonathan as a driving force to keep going. He would’ve wanted me to keep going, and not quit.

What did your university do well to support you? Is there anything you think they could have done better?

I was offered counselling but only once. Perhaps a little more persuasion/ asking me again a little bit later in the years that I remained at university would’ve helped. Teachers checking in more, as they did a little, but not a lot.

A bereavement group at university to meet other people going through similar situations.

I did have to take in my brother’s death certificate for applications for deadline extensions very early on, and I remember being very upset about this at the time and thought it was very insensitive, having to prove it in this way. It’s all a bit of a blur though, to be honest.

Looking back, what advice would you give to other students dealing with university life after losing a parent or someone close to them?

Take the time you need to process it, take the extensions on deadlines, find other people who can relate, talk to your teachers.

Take time out for you.

Do you have a favourite song/ podcast/ movie/ tv show, etc, that helped you to get through this difficult time?

I endlessly listened to music, being a musician. I relied on upbeat dance-y music, such as Disclosure. I was obsessed with the song ‘Latch’ in my 3rd year.

Was there anything that helped you to cope with your grief at university?

I was by the sea, so sea swimming with friends helped, along with exercise.

I also only lived 2 hours from home, so could travel home at weekends when needed.

I think for the most part though I kept very busy, and didn’t really give time/process the grief, which hit me harder when I came home after graduating.

In 2012, on Jonathan's birthday, Lucy and her dad scattered some of Jonathan's ashes up Helvellyn in the Lake District.

Last year on his 10 year anniversary Lucy went back up there on her own.

She also got a tattoo of the mountain on her leg.