Course of Study: Criminology

Who did you lose?

My boyfriend of two years.

What were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them?

Deon was crazy and so caring. He had a tough life after living in poverty and then losing his mother in 2019. He saw everything in black and white and was immensely loyal. He liked shoes, cars, his job (boarder), and spiderman.

My favourite memory is when he decided to go to the beach on a random Sunday at 11 am. We drove for 2 hours, he pulled into a sideroad, said he was bored, and wanted to go back home 🤣

Spring: Initial Shock

Deon’s death was sudden, and I was left with so many questions.

How did he die? Why? Why him? What do I do now? Survive?

After stressing over A Levels, it felt like nothing mattered anymore. My grief, sadness, and pain were entirely consuming, and it felt like there was no room to care; about A Levels, hygiene, friends, anything. The long period of time between the death and funeral felt like a constant limbo of waiting. I was waiting for messages from friends on an empty phone that never came. Feeling alone, I slept in my mum’s bed from February to April. The first day back at college everyone was quiet with sad eyes.

Autumn: Start of Uni

I started university in September, but I had to go home a lot. There were lots of tears.

Moving in with ‘normal’ people who hadn’t experienced my loss was hard, as they couldn’t relate. I wasn’t excited, I was numb all the time and I felt I couldn’t play up to the role expected of me as the happy-go-lucky girl I was when I got drunk in freshers. Loneliness at uni is common but mine was compiled with grief. The weather was getting colder, so seasonal depression started to play a part.

It’s weird seeing how people treated me after they found out or my symptoms of grief began to show. Because people felt so helpless, they chose to ignore it, tread on eggshells, and ultimately make it worse.

Now:

Grief is part of who I am as a person. Time makes it easier. You don’t forget, you distract. Some days are worse than others but you cannot isolate yourself. Even with no social battery and even if you cry all the time, you should know that you are not a burden to anyone.

Summer: Exam Period

I couldn’t care less about revising and felt like I had taken a massive U turn. I didn’t think I’d last this long in a world without him.

I didn’t receive any help from college until May, which was only wellbeing support, not counselling for my PTSD. My teachers knew me well though so were very supportive.

I went out drinking and clubbing all throughout my A Levels to distract myself, even though I would end up crying in the taxi at 4 am on the way home. After exam period I stayed very busy. I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. I did have good friends though.

Winter: Missing Lectures

I started missing lectures. I was trying to escape my pain with destructive methods. Therapists always put it down to grief, but because of my elevated moods, I thought I was fine.

I felt like I was waiting for a build-up and emotional explosion which came in March. My friends were very cautious and walking on eggshells, but I was having therapy every week and there were lots of people helping.

Was there anything that helped you to cope with your grief at university? Either internally or externally to university?

I went home. I would cry a lot. I had EMDR therapy and DBT sessions. It helped me come to terms with it.

What has your university done well to support you? Is there anything you think they could have done better?

Staying in regular contact would have helped, I emailed and had a zoom meeting with a counsellor, however, I never heard from them again. I had other therapists, but I let the university know about my situation and there was still nothing.

What advice would you give to other students dealing with university life after losing a parent or someone close to them?

Go home lots. You can’t run away from it or try being strong and let everyone think you are fine. Seek support. University is lonely until you make REAL friends. You are in your most vulnerable time of your life living away and on your own. Let yourself feel these emotions and any outlet is okay as long as you can learn from bad coping mechanisms so you don’t hurt yourself further.

Do you have a favourite song/ podcast/ movie/ tv show, etc, that helped you to get through this difficult time?

After Life. I watched it with a group of mates from my badminton social group. Watching all my friends cry at the end of the first episode. I detailed how my life was like that. They were all listening and deeply upset for me.

Meg’s Story: How grief shifts with the seasons