Maisie’s Story: Graduating through adversity

Course of study at university: BA Journalism

Age: 22

Do you have a highlight moment of your university experience?

My highlight moment was my graduation - after being bereaved during first year freshers, my whole university experience had to be shared with grief and I almost dropped the course multiple times.

Having the people most important to me with me while I graduated, and being awarded for highest academic achievement was massive for me - it was amazing to see university paid off, and most importantly, I know my mum would have been so proud.

Who was it that you lost?

My mum.

What were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them?

My mum was very gentle and kind, she had a lot of patience, and would go out of her way for others. She was unwell over my childhood and adult life, so the time spent with her could vary, but was also that more precious to me.

She loved hearing about my life and what I was up to, and loved to live vicariously through me. She’d give me the warmest hugs - which I miss the most. When I’d see her, she’d create this bubble where I’d feel so adored and loved by her, and it was her own way of apologising for not being able to be in my life properly.

My mum was also creative, she loved writing me letters and cards when we’d go long periods without seeing one another, and would always end phone calls to say she ‘loved me to the moon and back’. She was silly too, and would make me laugh because she could be so clumsy - it was one of her most charming features.

Though she was poorly from my childhood up until her death, she tried her hardest to be in my life, and made sure to let me know how much she loved me.

Do you think that your university experience was impacted as a result of your grief?

Yes. I’d moved to another city, not known anybody, and found out my mum died suddenly only weeks into university - it made me confused and numb. I had to take on serious decisions in terms of living accommodation, modules, friend groups, and relationships while losing myself.

I’d made decisions I wouldn’t ‘normally’ have chosen, because it was easier to be easy going towards people and situations while my head was in full turmoil - and I wasn’t fully in the moment in many events either.

For the first two years of university, I don’t think anybody knew me for ‘me’.

What do you think was the hardest part of managing student life alongside grief?

The hardest aspect was the loneliness. You're grieving in an environment where everyone else is making the most of their time, being active, socialising, partying, going to events - and whether I got involved in that or not, I was still in pain either way.

I didn’t want to isolate myself, because I was scared of missing out on the uni experience, but I felt worse coming home after a night out being with people who were excited and happy when I was so upset. It’s not their fault, but it’s so contrasting, and reminds you you’re not in a good place.

How did you find managing your workload at university alongside coping with grief? Did you manage to stay on top of things, and did you find anything that helped you to stay on track?

The workload could get heavy, so I started to be honest with my lecturers about my struggles. They helped me get extra time in exams, mitigating circumstances, extensions, and even counselling. But, I had to push for it, which can be hard helping yourself when grieving.

I broke my work up into parts and set targets to have work done by certain dates, so even if I’d not finished a deadline a week before it was due, the workload wasn’t so overwhelming.

I took advantage of my lecturers and asked for 1-2-1’s to go over topics I didn’t understand - you’re paying them to teach you, so don’t be afraid to get what you can from them or taking up their time.

Did you find that any of your relationships at university were impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways?

Definitely - I’d made friends with the first people I’d met, which were unlikely to be my type of group when there’s so many people out there. I didn’t have the time to find the people that were right for me because it’s hard to branch out and socialise when your grieving. I also couldn’t give those friends all of my time and energy, because most of it was taken up by grief.

It wasn’t until my final year that I became self-aware of the type of people I needed in my life and met them.