Supporting a friend at University
We all know how intense and overwhelming University can be, walking into a strange environment and suddenly having to make new friends all whilst potentially living far away from home.
Supporting a friend, you might not have known for long, or even a close friend at university can be daunting. With your own responsibilities and emotions to take care of, being there for somebody who has lost a parent may feel out of your depth.
A little can go a long way, and thinking about how you would like to be supported can really help identify the best way to approach someone else who is going through bereavement. It’s a good idea to brainstorm supportive things that could work for a variety of personalities and people, as grieving is not a linear emotion.
We hope this list will set some mindful examples of how to navigate helping a friend dealing with parental loss whilst at University.
Losing a loved one is not gossip. Make sure the people around you are speaking respectfully when sharing someone’s recent bereavement. Ask your friend how/if they would like to share or speak about their recent loss and use the opportunity to let a friend know you’re thinking of them if someone else shares their news. It is important to treat bereavement with maturity and vulnerability.
Signpost a friend to university resources, such as a student wellbeing centre or their own personal tutor. It’s okay if you don’t know how to console a friend, by sending them in a more professional direction is an extension of your support and care for them.
Approach your friend and ask them if they need any practical help. That might include, grocery shopping, helping with house chores or organising admin with them. A great example is helping them write a timetable, to make the exam season more manageable if they are particularly struggling. Do not be scared to let your friend know that you do not understand what they are going through but want to help as much as you can!
Remind them they can have breaks and go home. Often at University the fear of missing out and the volume of work can discourage people to look after themselves and achieve a good balance for their mental health. Let your friend know that you’ll be there for them if they need to go home or skip out on social events. This includes social media, reminding them that they do not have to be present online can help elevate pressure and encourage a friend to make more time for themselves.
If you have the time and resources, offering to help and support on events such as graduation and moving in and out of flats can really benefit your friend’s situation. Monumental or special events your friend expected their lost loved one to be at can be particularly hard. Cheering them on and letting them know how proud you are is a super supportive way of making the process easier for your friend.
Do not be alarmed if your friend grieves in a different way in which you would expect, or have experienced before. Approach any concerns about your friends behaviour or actions with the knowledge that their mental, emotional and physical self are going through a very intense and traumatic experience.
That being said, it is important not to ignore concerning or worrying signs that your friend may be displaying as they navigate bereavement. If a flatmate has become more introverted or extroverted, or perhaps they are seeming very out of character. Make sure to handle their behaviour with patience and approach it with a supportive nature. And of course, if you are concerned, do reach out to professionals.
Many people decide that completing University in the 3- or 4-year allocated period is too overwhelming and unproductive if they are dealing with grief. It is useful to let your friend know that there shouldn’t be judgement around taking breaks or permanently leaving University. Whatever feels best for someone in that moment will work out for them long term!