The Unspoken Truth: Losing a parent now is also losing a future parent
By Dr Marianne Trent, Clinical Psychologist, Author of the Grief Collective: Stories of Life, Loss & Learning to Heal & Advisor for It’s Time
Very much like the birth of a child, the loss of one of our own parents can be one of life’s most pivotal moments. Some people are lucky enough to see their parents turn 100 whilst others lose their parents before they even had the chance to know them. 15% of the U.K. population will experience the loss of one or both of their parents before they themselves turn 30.
My own Father died when I was 36 and still surrounded by nappies and mayhem from having 2 children, a busy job, and a home to run. I miss him every day and yet each day I am also grateful that he got a chance to walk me down the aisle and to meet both of my children even if he left too soon. What we know is that the impact of losing a parent doesn’t stop on the day they die. People who haven’t experienced life-flipping, gut-wrenching, hollowing-out grief often regard the post-funeral part as being the start of the healing process. But that’s often just not the case. When someone loses a parent in early childhood they will continue to miss and mourn their absence at sports days, play dates and birthday parties. When people experience parental loss in teenage years then the absence will continue to be felt at exam times, prom nights and first dates. In young adulthood it may show up for you at university holidays, the birth of children and wedding days. It is at all of these times that the yearning is amplified but also in the quieter moments and when you least expect it. The other day I was preparing to go Live on zoom and got a bit close to the camera and startled myself because I saw my dad’s face in my own. We miss them when we sit on the sofa and can see the way they used to sit. We miss them when we hear strangers answer their phone and say: ‘Hi Mum!’ and we realise they have no idea how lucky they are to be that age and still have their parent. If you could bottle and sell the carefree optimism and joy which abounds in people who have not yet experienced grief, then I’d buy stocks in that company for sure!
The truth is that when a person dies, they of course lose their future, but you also lose part of your future, the future you shoulda, woulda, coulda had. Grief does not have a set period where it should start and finish. Grief is and can be a lifelong event which ebbs and flows and bobs back in to say hi at significant and insignificant times of your life alike.
What I have found makes it easier is talking to others who get it and that’s why ‘It’s Time’ is so unique because everyone there gets it and gets the unique struggles of losing a parent in childhood or early adulthood. I’m technically not quite the right age demographic for It’s Time as I recently turned 40 but I was thrilled to have been asked to be an Advisor for them. Grief needs to be spoken about more and in my role as a Clinical Psychologist I have a mouthpiece to be able to do that. We need not pathologise nor stigmatise. Instead, we need to normalise human reactions to grief and support those who are grieving. If you are feeling unheard or unseen in your grief, then I can pretty much guarantee that you’re not the problem but that maybe you’re just not surrounded by the right people. The people who get it. If you’re a young adult do reach out to It’s Time or check out the ‘Support’ sections of the ‘It’s time’ website.
