Press Pause

Going through the loss of a parent, makes your world pause and it can take months, sometimes even years, to feel like you’re ready to return to your new normal, because things never feel the same.

My dad died fifteen days before Christmas in 2023, my only living parent and it devastated me in ways, I didn’t think would be possible. Christmas has never been the same, since my mum died in 2009, but dealing with a death around Christmas was a whole different beast.

I remember walking away from saying goodbye to his body in the hospital, only to get into a lift with Santa. It felt like an out of body experience, I was having the  worst morning of my life and here was a person going to cheer people up in the hospital. I drove home and relieved my best friend of her dog-sitting duties, whilst I’d been at the hospital. I laid on the sofa whilst my husband cooked lunch and felt nothing, I was completely empty. Only four hours earlier, my dad had taken his last breath, whilst my sister and I rushed to the hospital to say goodbye and then here I was at home eating a halloumi wrap.

The days following, I could barely leave the house. Going outside made it feel real, but in my safe little bubble at home, I was protected from the world that was still turning without my dad. I didn’t get to stay in my safe bubble for long, because we were in the midst of the festive season and sadly that’s a busy time for funeral directors. We were desperate to try and do things as quickly as possible, so we weren’t extending things, out into the new year.

In certain places I felt I was safe, they knew why I was there and I was given that space and not pestered about why I wasn’t in the festive spirit. However, when I had to go into Tesco and do a food shop, I felt like I was in a parallel universe. I wanted a sign on my forehead, that my dad had just died and to scream it as loudly as I could. Obviously, I didn’t do either of those things, but my brain couldn’t comprehend how the days were passing me by, everyone else going about their usual festivities, when I was planning a funeral.

Two days after Christmas, we held my dad’s funeral, we were so desperate to hold it before the new year, so it didn’t feel like we were dragging the inevitable out. My dad was a simple man, he hated fuss and any attention in life, so certainly didn’t want it in death. We had a beautiful, simple ceremony but when we stepped outside we were greeted by a huge crowd of people, who were waiting to say goodbye to their loved one.

Seeing that crowd of people shocked me, I can’t put it into words why but it did. Death and grief feels like a lonely affair, but being faced with other mourners makes you realise it’s far from that. Even at the time of year, that for the vast majority is full of joy, the loss of a loved one still happens and for a little bit it’s completely ok, that you want to press the pause button on your life.