Olivia’s Story
It's coming up to the one year anniversary of my dad's death - 7th August. Because his death was so sudden - fine in the morning, dead by the evening sort of sudden - that day is so much more than just the day he died. It's the day I received an out of the blue phone call from my mum telling me to come to the hospital because "something" had happened to dad. It's the day the consultant took us into a room and told us that the next few hours were critical. It's the day multiple stents and transfusions failed. It's the day I watched my dad, the person most like me in the whole world, die an incredibly traumatic death, something that would have never crossed my mind just a few hours earlier.
My dad, Chris, was 57 and, as far as we knew, healthy - not a smoker, not overweight, not a huge drinker. He was out on a bike ride when the initial massive heart attack happened. The suddeness of his death and that afternoon in the hospital will never feel real, even now almost a year on. I'm an only child from a small family, and my mum had lost her dad and younger brother in the previous years so it really felt like there was no let up to the cruelness of life. Me, my mum and dad were incredibly close and it's completely shattered both our worlds that he's gone and so suddenly.
He never regained consciousness after the initial heart attack and I'll forever feel like I didn't get to say goodbye, despite being with him as he died.
Getting through this first year has been hard. There was additional complications in that the week he died, I was due to have an interview for a job that was going to be a huge career step up and was also having to move house due to a section 21 eviction. I pulled out of the job, of course, but could not pull out of the eviction. 6 days after losing him I had to say good bye to my home. Losing a parent and a home in the same week…I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The job got back in touch and I picked up the process, doing the final rounds including an intense panel interview in the days immediately after his funeral. People ask how I did it, well it was shock mainly. If I’d even slightly begun to process what had happened there was no way I could have done it but a nice protective layer of shock enables you to do incredible things. I got the job. I accepted the job because I didn’t want to regret not taking it and having another part of my life taken away from me.
However a new house, new job and a dead dad is a lot to handle all at once and so its no suprise that things began to crumble. Fortunately my job has allowed me to take some extended leave to try and have some time to process everthing that has happened.
Being an only child, my biggest fear was always my parents dying before I'd met someone and started my own family. I never expected to suddenly be halfway to that fear being realised at only 26. I'm lucky that I'm very close to my mum, but this has changed our relationship. I feel incredibly guilty for not always being with her, and it was heartbreaking to see her widowed at 59, just weeks before their 30th wedding anniversary.
Saying I miss him doesn't convey how I feel like a part of me has been ripped out. I miss how much we laughed together, how we had the exact same sense of humour. I miss calling on him for any DIY or tech advice. I hate that if I ever get married or have children that they won't get to meet him.
I cannot believe that its coming up to a year without him - how have I survived a year without my dad? And to know that this is only the beginning of what will be a lifetime without him is the hardest thing to come to terms with.