Leading After Loss - Neil Tanna

I’m Neil Tanna, I’m 32 years old and I’m the CEO & Co-founder of Howbout.

Growing up, cancer was something that sadly my family was very familiar with. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer four times, the first when I was 13. At that age, I was old enough to understand what was happening, but too young to fully process it or navigate how I felt. I remember being sat on the stairs as she shared the news with me and feeling like my entire world was collapsing around me. My parents did an incredible job protecting my sister, Nina, and me as best they could, but the memories of watching my Mum battle cancer are ones that sadly won’t ever fade.

My parents came from humble backgrounds. They had tough childhoods where every opportunity had to be fought for. It made them incredibly resilient people who were no strangers to hard work, a quality they passed to Nina and me.

Ensuring that Nina and I had a great education was their #1 priority, and they made endless sacrifices - whilst still managing everything happening with my Mum’s health - to set us up for a stable life as best they could.

We had a happy childhood, and it’s because of the opportunities they gave us.

Growing up, I thought my purpose was to become a doctor. One of my Mum’s childhood dreams was to become one, and I had a vision of achieving that dream for us both. I worked hard alongside everything else going on at home to put myself in a position to succeed, but despite getting university offers to study Medicine, I just missed out on the straight-A grades I needed by the skin of my teeth.

With everything going on at home, I had extenuating circumstances - but it was the final year before university fees tripled and so there was an incredible amount of pressure on university places which meant I still missed out.

I remember the results day vividly. I was sat on my bed listening to my Mum answering one call after another from family, friends and the community who each had the expectation of congratulating her on her son getting into medical school.

One call after another, I heard my Mum explain that sadly that hadn’t happened. The feeling of failure I felt that day was all-consuming. I’d not only let myself down, but I’d totally let her down. She’d made a huge number of sacrifices to set me up for success, and I’d squandered it. I remember being sat on my bed and promising myself that when anyone spoke about me in future, it’d only be from a positive point of view with the mindset of achievement. I didn’t ever want to let myself or my Mum down again, and a fire truly ignited in me that day.

I went on to study law at university and qualified as a corporate lawyer specialising in technology, working with startups, scale-ups and institutional investors. That’s when I had the idea for Howbout - a new type of calendar app that would socialise time, making it a multiplayer experience like it was in the office. I found it crazy that it was effortless to schedule a meeting with my boss or coordinate time across multiple schedules and calendars in the office, but in my social life trying to keep up with my friends involved group chats that went nowhere and social media that had evolved to focus on fans & followers vs friends. I wanted to make time a social experience, where your friends’ time is their content - making it really easy to find time together, as well as share it. But fear held me back from pursuing it. Fear of experiencing failure again if it didn’t work. Fear of leaving a very stable job. Fear of what people would think.

In 2018, soon after turning 25, my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Over the following 10 months, the conversations I had with her and lessons I learnt from her on what strength and failure truly meant changed my mindset entirely. I promised my Mum that when I saw her again, I’d have stories to tell her about how I challenged that fear.

My Mum passed away in March 2019. One month later, Howbout was incorporated and the app launched in August 2020.

Incredibly, 4 years on and we’ve just celebrated 5 million downloads.

We’ve grown to a team of 16, have users all over the world and are backed by some awesome investors including venture capital funds, celebrities like the Sidemen & Harry Maguire and senior execs from the likes of Snapchat & Deliveroo.

Do I have it all figured out? Absolutely not. In all honestly, I still don’t think I’ve fully processed her loss. Right now, I’m funnelling my energy into trying to make the most of the opportunities I’m presented with - for her, but also for me. Some moments are horrendous - and it’s usually triggered by something. It could be Mothers’ Day or her birthday, or even something as unassuming as seeing someone hug their Mum or hearing the words “I’m proud of you”. Some moments are easier - where you almost forget about the loss you’ve felt. But most of the time, the way I feel towards my loss is numb. And that’s okay. I know that - at this stage in my life - that’s how I’m coping and dealing with it, and that in the future my grief may present itself in other ways. Grief is a journey with many different stages, and for now it’s something I’m processing by trying to be productive. There is no silver bullet - everyone processes grief in their own way and there is no right or wrong way. It’s just the way I’m handling things.

I’m driven everyday to make myself - and my Mum - proud, but it still breaks my heart that she won’t see the man I’ve become, that she wasn’t there on my wedding day and that she’ll never know my children. But I live my life everyday with the mentality that I’m not going to let an opportunity pass by. I want to do right by the foundation my Mum & Dad laid for me and the opportunities they provided for me, and even now it’s still what drives me.

If you’re reading this and have recently experienced the loss of a parent, my heart goes out to you. Grief is a horrendous journey and its an irreplaceable loss, but it’s a journey that evolves. Surround yourself with support - which may come in the form of family, friends, therapy, community or just other people who get it. I wish I’d known about It’s Time when I first lost my Mum, as I’ve certainly found talking about my grief helpful, and although people can be sympathetic, no one really gets it unless they’ve also experienced it. It’s Time is a community of people who get it.

When it comes to processing your grief and finding ways to help you cope through it, do what feels right for you. But know that things do get easier. It won’t always feel so debilitating or as painful - you’ll reach a level of acceptance and peace with it over time, where you’ll be able to process and look back on it in a more reflective way. Although your parent is no longer with you, their lessons, guidance and values never leave you. Remember the laughs you shared, think about the guidance you think they would have given you, and cherish the moments you had together.