Grief, Summer and Comparison
It can often feel like the whole year is basically just a long lead up to the summer months. We wish winter away until the long days and hot nights roll around, and we can pack away our jumpers and jeans in exchange for pub gardens and BBQ dinners. There is generally a feeling of optimism in the air as we creep out of our winter sadness, and people largely seem happier as those balmy evenings stretch out before us.
While this is a time to be embraced and enjoyed, summer is also a time where everybody seems to be busy, with plans every weekend and holidays at regular intervals. For many, this might not even be a thought that crosses your mind, but for a lot of people, comparison can easily creep in and convince you that you’re somehow less busy, less interesting, and less popular than everyone else. This is especially true when we are bombarded with constant updates of what our friends and peers are up to on social media. Viewing someone’s story of them out with a group of friends at the pub on a Friday night, while you’re sitting at home with the dog, is an instant way insecurity can weave its way into your mind. We can often assume that everyone else’s social life is a bit like an episode of ‘Friends’. That all these people are part of a big group of mates, and have constant plans and invites to do fun things all of the time. In comparison, we feel like that loser who’s watching it all from the sidelines, wishing we could somehow be a part of it. You might be completely content with having no plans or spending time by yourself… until you see everyone else enjoying themselves and suddenly you feel like the loneliest person in the world.
These feelings can also be perpetuated when you’re grieving. Grief can throw you up, spin you around and drop you back in a place you never thought you would be. A lot of the time, you might not want to be out and about, but you feel that’s what you should be doing. Especially as young people, we’re told that ‘these are the best years of our lives’ and not to ‘waste them’, but what if these ‘best years’ aren’t turning out so great? What if we wish we could put on a smile and go for a pint with friends, but we just can’t quite do it? Or what if our friends haven’t actually been all that great dealing with our grief, and we feel isolated and lonely as a result? Constantly comparing our worst with someone else’s best is bound to make us feel insecure. But when that comparison creeps in, it is a hard beast to tame.
Although it sounds cliche, it is important to remember that social media is a highlight reel. What we see is people’s best sides, their good days and their wins. Anything you see has most likely taken a group chat of opinions, hours of deliberating and 100’s of outtakes to curate - it does not necessarily capture the nuances and intricacy of people’s realities. If you need to, try deleting your social media accounts, even just for a day, and check in with yourself to see how you feel. Are you actually unhappy with how you are spending your time, or is it that comparison voice in your head feeding you lies? It is not always easy to distinguish this, but having a break from knowing what everyone is doing can help to clear your head.
It’s easy to assume that the only ‘correct’ way to spend your time in the summer is with other people, doing fun things and going to cool places. While this is great and perfectly enjoyable for many, it is not the only way to enjoy the longer days and warmer evenings. Give yourself grace to do the things that bring you joy. Whether that’s taking yourself to a coffee shop for a solo date, spending time with family, or going on a long dog walk, it is all valid. Be kind to yourself. If you are grieving, it is okay to take your time. It can be really hard to be around people who aren’t sharing the same burdens as you. Hearing of friends seemingly insignificant problems around school, work, dating, or friendships can be challenging if you’ve lost a loved one. Equally, other times it can be exactly what you need to feel a little more grounded. The point is that there is no right or wrong. Honour your feelings, and try not to punish yourself for not living up to your own standards.
Comparison truly is the thief of joy, and often, we can be our own toughest critic. Learning to combat that critical voice with kindness is a tool we all need in our mental health tool-kit. Rather than jumping on the bandwagon and beating ourselves up, replace this narrative with empathy, gentleness, and compassion - like how you might speak to a friend who needs some reassurance. Slowly, the voice becomes less loud and you might begin to feel a greater sense of peace with your own decisions.
Grief doesn't go away when the sun comes out - although this would be nice. Listen to what you need, and what makes you feel good. Don’t let comparison steal your joy.
