Matt’s Story: Family support networks and the importance of friendships
Matt talks about building stronger bonds with family and friends and living life to the fullest despite losing his mam at 17.
Course of study at university: I was studying A level Photography at College.
Age: 17 yrs old (at the time)
Who was it that you lost? My Mam (2002)
What were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them?
My Mam was the eldest of seven. She was a protector and provider, and always the life and soul of the party. She worked 3 jobs to make ends meet. My parents divorced when I was 7yrs old, and my two sisters were a little older, so naturally, my Mam and I were best friends. We travelled to Turkey, New Zealand, and Spain. She was everything to me back then. My first love.
Do you have a highlight moment of your university experience?
The people I met and the friends I made. Also, the field trips to Art Galleries in London were super fun. I joined the football team and started a band - my social life improved immensely.
Do you think that your university experience was impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways?
No doubt, losing my Mam had a massive impact on my mental health. Fortunately, I had an amazing family that supported me as much as they could. I was also lucky to have a real compassionate and understanding lecturer at College who gave me the time and space to go through the motions, and gave me additional time and support to complete coursework and exam assignments.
What do you think was the hardest part of managing student life alongside grief?
My Mam was the most important person in my life at the time. She was my safety net, and when she was passed I just felt lost, home didn’t feel quite the same. My sisters had left home so it was just her and I. She was in the process of buying our house, but of course, after she passed I had to decide who I’d live with, which was tough. We shared our furniture among the family. That was a surreal time.
Often emotions would get the better of me, randomly and out of nowhere. College was a breath of fresh air for me, it was the one palace that didn’t remind me of loss, and I was lucky to have an amazing support system that allowed me to grieve, cry, and share stories about her when I needed to.
Did you find that any of your relationships at university were impacted as a result of your grief?
Not negatively impacted, but I did get closer to friends and family. Being close to them was more important than ever.
Was there anything in particular that helped you to cope with your grief at university? Either internally or externally to the university?
Friendships, and the show Friends :) It was my escape. I also have the two most amazing sisters that were/still are an amazing support system.
What did your university do well to support you? Is there anything you think they could have done better?
I had all the support I needed at the time. I was never offered counselling, and honestly not sure I would have gone, but I’m sure that would be a valuable resource.
Looking back, what advice would you give to other students dealing with university life after losing a parent or someone close to them?
I would want them to know that it’s OK to smile, and to laugh, and to be happy. You deserve it! All those things do not mean you don’t care, or that you’re “moving on.” Instead, think of it more as moving forward. Grief will always be there, but it evolves and takes different shapes throughout your life. Know that you’re allowed to live a life that’s full and happy.
I would also encourage them to find a focus, a hobby, something you enjoy, and above all else, give yourself all the time and space you need to be you, to grieve, to cry, to be happy, and be kind and patient with yourself. In my first summer break I traveled Europe for a month, something I was scared to do but I tried to get out of my shell a little. I found more friends, more experiences which all ultimately helped build my confidence and character. I know my Mam would be proud of that.
Do you have a favourite song / podcast / movie/ TV show, etc, that helped you to get through this difficult time?
Friends!