Léa’s Story: Growing up grieving alongside healing

Course of study at university: 

For the time being, my aim is to do an MA in International Relations and Action Abroad to work on international cooperation, cultural or security, and defence issues.

Age: 22

Who was it that you lost? 

I lost my mother overnight in 2010. Although it happened when I was nine, I grew up grieving her and still do, alongside healing. Time doesn’t heal all but gives us some breathing room.

Could you tell me a little bit about them; what were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them? 

I’m often told just how alive my mother was. Determined and lively. How she looked and listened to people. She paved the way and embodied being open to discovery all the time, through her eyes, knowledge, and connections. 

Remembering her comes in waves, due to my young age back then. Every wave might be my favourite. Her warmth, dark hair, tanned skin, and TONS of freckles. It’s hard to grasp that we will never know each other as adults. The person she was, with her habits, opinions, expressions, and flaws. The full picture. 

She loved capturing life around her. Luckily, I found a bunch of photos and VHS tapes from our years together. A glimpse of how she viewed her world. (Coolest vlogger if you ask me). What also helps is to embrace how much I enjoy investigating and looking for new sharings and memories. Her energy is within us in the picture I chose, she’s about to leave for a trip circa 1983. Happily waving goodbye. 

I miss the feeling and safety of being the daughter to a mother. Her loss has also brought clarity and deep human connection to my life in a way that nothing else could. 

Do you think that your university experience was impacted as a result of your grief? If so, in what ways? What do you think was the hardest part of managing student life alongside grief? 

I am still grieving throughout university and this weighs on my experience there. It can be confusing to hear the mainstream discourse that displayed these years as memorable ones, filled with opportunities. As a bereaved student, they can be overwhelming. Managing your student life, career plans, and finances just like your friends do, while surviving day-to-day is difficult if your loss is recent. Even when it isn’t, mixed emotions can come into play. I became more aware of my mental health, especially the impact this matter holds. 

Did you find that any of your relationships at university were impacted as a result of your grief? 

As a result, I would distance myself - from time to time - from old and new friends at university. Yet I wanted to fully appreciate these people along the way. They often understand when I tell them what is going on because they can’t always guess how you are doing inside. Advocating for yourself is not something you should be scared or ashamed of.

How did you find managing your workload at university alongside coping with grief? Did you manage to stay on top of things, and did you find anything that helped you to stay on track? 

Most of us in university can experience highs and lows when you have lost someone close, either earlier in our life or during these uni years. Since the majority of my initial life shift took place in middle school, teachers have been considerate. This academic support tends to fade as we get older. 

I saw how most of the grieving students in high school and college felt as though they were expected to move on and quickly get back on track from their recent loss because of what was at stake with exams, career plans etc. To manage the workload and stay on track alongside coping, what was beneficial for me was reaching out to professors, finding trusted study partners and working out. 

Was there anything in particular that helped you to cope with your grief at university? Either internally or externally to the university?

Joining peer-to-peer support has impacted my own journey a lot. I became eager to talk with people who have also experienced grief, in an open environment, which I have found in The New Normal Charity’s online meetings. They gave me an opportunity to hear stories from everywhere, to better understand my emotions, but also the subtleties and complexities of what death means to others. I’m meeting adults, but also connecting with students, this time with The Student Grief Network which aims to soften the impact of grief at universities. 

I am glad to bring these dynamics overseas to France, where I’m from. I observed a lack of peer-to-peer resources, which has encouraged me to co-found and now host French-speaking meetings.

What has your university done well to support you? Is there anything you think they could have done better?

Sorbonne Université has an active “University Service for Preventive Medicine and Health Promotion” that includes free consultations with doctors and psychologists. This service provides valuable access for bereaved students to health professionals, beyond financial and family barriers. I have not felt the need to use this resource yet, as I found my balance in external support. 

However, the university could develop more specific grief support considering how many students have - or are facing - loss. This could mean reinforcing teachers’ awareness and adaptability in their evaluation or workload and also creating a space for concerned students to talk, share, and accompany each other in a liberating setting. 

What advice would you give to other students dealing with university life after losing a parent or someone close to them? 

Grief is disruptive. There is nothing wrong with being a little or totally disoriented by it. Know that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. My twin brother is not as vocal as I am on the matter, but both ways are not right or wrong. They are what suits us. No matter what speed you go or how you do it, you are moving forward. 

You have every right to take care and time for yourself, to feel your emotions. Whatever that looks like. Reach out to trusted friends, relatives and/or family whenever you need it: to talk, to move, for help. Try not to keep things bottled up inside. As complex as it may be at first, isolating yourself from others can accentuate this build-up. Listen to yourself on every level. Many people would be glad to help but don’t know how to.

A lot of students you know might have struggled at one point during university, for so many different but valid reasons. So, do not compare your experience to everyone else’s. Do it your way. 

Our culture is deeply nervous about grief. We think it’s best to get over it fast. In reality, the aim isn’t to release all memories and “get over” grief, but to allow it to soften and evolve instead of feeling stuck. 

Do you have a favourite song/ podcast/ movie/ tv show, etc, that helped you to get through this difficult time? 

A song I have in mind is Veridis Quo by Daft Punk. Not grief-related, but we would blast it during what was our last summer together. 

Yes Theory’s “Attending The Happiest Funeral in the World '' video is a touching episode about Ghanian's traditional celebration of a loved one's end of life.  They are connecting across cultures and ethnicities. I discovered how in the country, during funerals,  there is space to cry, mourn and grieve, and then circles to dance, sing,  and share joy and gratitude. This has richly broadened my horizon on celebrating our people even after the end. Maybe Heaven is a jazz club.