Growing Around Grief by Lois Tonkin

What is the ‘growing around grief’ model?

Lois Tonkin, a grief counsellor,  created the model ‘growing around grief’. The model was inspired by one of Tonkins clients, who described the feeling of her grief being all consuming at first, and although it still felt like her grief was the same size, she was better able to live her life around her grief. She explained this by drawing her grief as a circle, demonstrated by the image below. 

How can this model help you and your grief?

There are many different grief models out there, the most well known being the ‘5 stages of grief’, but Tonkins model can help you if you’re struggling with any feelings of guilt. It’s a reminder that your grief is always there, you won’t forget your person, but you can live a full life alongside your grief. 

Guilt is a difficult feeling that comes with grief and it can arise in so many different situations. For example, seeing friends and enjoying yourself or forgetting an anniversary date. You can feel guilty in so many ways, which can sometimes make you feel stuck. The idea of growing around your grief can provide reassurance that you are not doing anything wrong by living life.

If you are struggling with guilt we do have a lot of blog posts, written by people who have also lost a parent young.