Daisy’s Story: The circle of loss, ‘Grief Talk’, and approaching life differently

Course of study at university: Art History & Visual Culture with Maths

Age: 20

Who was it that you lost?

My Dad.

What were they like, what things did they like doing, what is your favourite memory about them?

My Dad, Paul, was always thinking about a new project, getting distracted by all the exciting things he could create. As an aerospace engineer, it was his job to design plane parts and he always knew this was his lifelong passion so I feel very fortunate to have examples, from both my parents, of how to live outside the box and let your mind drift off, a trait I’ve definitely inherited.

Do you think that your university experience was impacted as a result of your grief?

Grief has definitely played a part in my university experience. After losing my Dad when I was four, the pressures of moving away from home and leaving my family brought all those emotions back.

When I was struggling with my course workload and trying to make the decision to change subjects, all that homesickness for the person I’d lost came right back. I never normally go into a day knowing it’s going to be a ‘bad grief day’ but life has a way of testing you and every time it does, it normally finds a way of circling back to loss.

What do you think was the hardest part of managing student life alongside grief?

The hardest part I’ve found is telling people - and then dealing with their reactions. Some of my closest friends are really good at dealing with grief talk and it can bring you closer together when you’re able to speak about your person as an important part of who you are. Another added bonus I’ve found is being able to drop them into conversation which can help to keep them around and just that bit more alive.

Did you find that any of your relationships at university were impacted as a result of your grief?

It’s not always easy to know who you can open up to and trust to react appropriately. Though the ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ can feel repetitive, having it acknowledged when you’re far along in your grief journey is such a welcome validation, however, even if they get this stage right, people have a tendency to play off their own uncomfortableness and take your opening up as a chance to joke around about what you’ve been through.

For anyone who finds themselves hurt by this, I’d tell them not to let these interactions hold them back from sharing but to make sure that don’t internalise what anyone else has to say.

Grief is a universal experience, but loss at or before university isn’t so common, and going through this definitely affects who you become in the long run. Losing someone close to you is a big part of who you are as a person and I’d tell everyone who’s felt disappointed by a friend’s response to hold strong and not let this prevent you from sharing your experiences and making friends who will offer a safe environment to open up. They’re out there and it’s a wonderful feeling.

What advice would you give to other students dealing with university life after losing a parent or someone close to them?

It’s difficult to know what to say when such a big thing happens in someone’s life. I would recommend that they hold on tightly to those people that will offer unconditional love and trust. If you’re getting up every morning, finding something to eat, and breathing fresh air then you’re doing everything that you need to be doing, especially in the immediate aftermath.

So much of the advice around grief can feel like there’s an ending point, like the light at the end of the tunnel is a goalpost to pass and then you’re ‘done’ with the whole grief thing. I think it’s more useful to imagine it as a feeling of lightness, that your shoulders are a little less heavy every day.

The people around you that can offer support are there to help ease some of the load and that can be really welcome when you feel ready. When university and all its complications kick in again, it doesn’t mean that the grieving is over or that you have to take on everything you did before. Maybe your priorities have changed and a society or commitment that once seemed so important now just isn’t as exciting, or a friendship isn’t serving you the way you want it to.

Try not to push good things away or opportunities that you’ll thank yourself for taking, but going through loss will change a part of who you are and it’s ok to approach life differently.

Do you have a favourite song/ podcast/ movie/ tv show, etc, that helped you to get through this difficult time?

About Time and Never Have I Ever are such wonderful depictions of grief that I return to them over and over again. It can be so frustrating to see movies that use parental loss as a plot device and it’s refreshing when they put it central to the character’s life and how they go about the world.